SEPARATION AND DIVORCE – GUIDING THE CHILD
A child in your care who is experiencing the effects of their parent’s separation or divorce, is dealing with many emotions. There are so many changes going on in their lives.
They may be experiencing:
• One parent is now missing from the home
• They are witnessing fighting and arguing between two people they love
• They may have to move
• The parents may be in the middle of a custody battle and the child feels the strain.
• Awkward and strained visitation or transitions from one parent’s home to the other.
Everything is changing in the child’s life. Often you, as their childcare provider and your program are the only stable things in their lives. Often your childcare program is where the transfer of the child happens. It is important that you do not take sides. Do not put yourself into the position to transfer notes of information from one parent to the other. Your concern should be how the child is coping.
Examining the situation from the child’s view- point will help you support the child.
• Children view their parents as ‘one unit’. They have difficulty understanding that each parent is a separate individual with different needs and interests.
• Children often deny that there is a problem. They may not accept the fact their parents live in separate residences.
• Children worry that their parents will stop loving them. They don’t understand that the love between their parents is different than their love for them.
• Young children are ego-centric, which means they believe everything happens for or because of them. They often feel responsible for their parents fighting and for a parent leaving. This feeling of guilt can greatly affect their self-esteem.
• Because a child feels they are responsible for the problems, they may try to ‘fix’ the problem by getting sick, becoming a problem at school, being very good or loving, or by trying to get attention in other ways.
• Children may be experiencing less attention because the parents are struggling with adjusting to the separation or divorce.
• Children may be afraid that because one parent left the other parent will leave them too.
• If the child has witnessed physical violence they may act out in the same way.
Children may react to the separation and divorce in many ways. If you observe the child is exhibiting any of the following signs, talk with the parent and suggest they talk with their doctor to get help for their child:
• REGRESSION - Children may regress to a time when they felt loved and safe, therefore they may begin wetting the bed, sucking their thumb, talking baby talk, and become very clingy.
• DEVELOP A LOW SELF ESTEEM - They may become more aggressive and argue with their friends, withdraw, or have temper tantrums.
• BECOME DEPRESSED OR WITHDRAWN - They may not want to engage in activities, show extreme sadness, and find it hard to concentrate.
• BECOME AGGRESSIVE - Occasionally a child will become very aggressive with the other children, often in an attempt to get attention from their parents.
• PRETEND TO BE SICK - A child may also pretend to be sick or even try to hurt themselves as a way to get the attention on themselves.
What can you do as a childcare provider to help the child through this difficult time?
• Tell the child that you know what is going on at home and you are available to talk and listen. Do not pressure the child to talk.
• Arrange activities as part of your curriculum that talk about feelings.
• You can also do activities that describe change.
For example: How have we changed since we were a baby? How do we change the way we dress in winter and summer? This will reinforce the concept that change is part of life.
• Show the child that people can change from being husband and wife, but they cannot change being mommy and daddy.
• Provide the consistency in their lives with familiar routines and activities.
Keep the lines of communication open between the parents. Make sure you send notices and program communication to both parents. This is a difficult time for not only the child, but the parents also. You can be the stability that will make a difference in the child’s life.
RESOURCE
The Crisis Manual for Early childhood Teachers; Karen Miller