DEATH- HOW CHILDREN PROCESS
Young children understand death in progressive stages. There is no easy way to help a child deal with death. No child exhibits the same reaction. Some children may grieve for a longer period of time than others. There is an adjustment period they must go through and there is no set timetable for that to happen. Also depending on the child’s developmental age, they may have different understanding of death.
Here are some ways a child may understand death:
UNDER 5 YEARS OF AGE
• They cannot understand the causes of death
• They do not see death as final
• They do not comprehend that death is inevitable
• They expect people and animals will wake up and come back to life
5 -9 YEARS OF AGE
• Can accept the fact that a person has died
• Cannot accept the fact that death happens to everyone
• Cannot comprehend that they might die
• Child may repeat questions you thought they understood, repeat the explanation you gave them. Particularly emphasize that the person who died is not in hurting or in pain.
After experiencing a death in the family, children may be afraid that you or their parents will die and they will be alone. This anxiety may be very real to the child and cause the child problems sleeping and learning. Respond emphasizing a positive.
For example: instead of saying, “Yes, I will die someday.” You could say, “No, I don’t expect to die for a very, very long time.”
Often a child will feel it is their fault that someone close to them died. Children reason in this way: When I do something wrong, something bad happens. I get punished or something breaks. Gramma died. Therefore, I must have done something bad. Even though as an adult you know the person has been sick for a long time and death was inevitable, the child cannot comprehend that.
Children have a hard time separating what is real and what is magical. A child may believe they caused a death because they wished it.
For example: The child was mad at his sibling and wished they would go away. If the sibling dies and is suddenly not there anymore the child can blame themself.
As part of a child’s learning process, they can be very curious about death. They may dig up a pet that the family has buried, the child may wonder when the pet is coming back. They may also wonder when a dead loved one will come back. Especially a preschool child may show interested in a dead bug, frog or bird they may find in the yard.
If a child in your care has experienced a death in the family, it is important to talk with the family to find out how they are explaining the death to the child. It is always important to have continuity between home and childcare, especially when it comes to explaining difficult issues. You are in the position to give the grieving parent or parents some suggestions on how they can handle explaining death to the child while also being sensitive to their developmental age.
For example: Do not use words like, “ we lost him.” Or, “he has “gone to heaven”. These answers can confuse the child. If the person who has died is “lost”, go find him. If the has “gone to heaven, when will he come back? Answer the child’s questions as honestly as you can and acknowledge the child’s feelings. A part of how a child processes death is by asking questions. Always stop to take the time to answer their questions.
Resources
The Crisis Manual for Early Childhood Teachers, Karen Miller