DEATH – RESPONDING TO THE CHILD
When a child in your care has experienced a death in their family, it can be very traumatic for them. Knowing how the child perceives death and recognizing the signs that a child is not processing the death is very important to helping a child deal with it. (see, Death-How Children Process and Death-When a Child Needs Help, fact sheets) This fact sheet will discuss suggestion on how to respond to the child and what you can do and say. As the child’s provider, you have a special relationship with the child. They have learned to trust you and feel secure in your care. While the parents may be grieving, you can be a stable influence on the child. Here are some things you can do as their childcare provider:
HELP THE CHILD FEEL SECURE
• Help the child recognize how much he is loved. Play a game naming all the people who love him.
• Give the child a special ‘toy’ like a stuffed animal that she can carry around with her. This will help her to feel special and cared for.
• Stability is important. The child is familiar with your routine and this routine will help the child to feel reassured and secure.
• No matter how the child is acting, they need extra attention when they are grieving. Spend a little extra time with the child. You may even ask him to do a special job with you like putting up pictures on the wall.
• Let the child express his emotions. He may have felt helpless during all the events that have been going on around the death. Encourage him to be involved in activities in your program. You can help move him from a passive, helpless state to one of actively coping.
• When discussing nature, you could appropriately talk about death.
For example: Some insects have a short life-span but trees and people live a long, long time.
• Let the child know you are there.
For example: “I know you feel sad sometimes and when you do, you can come sit with me.”
• Answer only what the child asks. If you are not sure just what the child wants to know you might ask him, “what do you think?”. His answer will help you understand just what he is asking.
• Ask the child questions. Children may not understand some of the words that they hear. Ask the child if there is anything they don’t understand.
• You may have to answer the same question over and over. Simply answer it calmly every time it is asked.
• There are some wonderful books written for children that have experienced death of a loved one. Read these books to the children.
• If the child expresses guilt, reassure him that he did nothing to cause the death. You may have to repeat this numerous times. Make sure the child understands that the death was not a punishment for something he did.
• Depending on your relationship with the child’s family, you could offer to look after the child during the wake.
• Let the child know it is ok to cry, and let them express their sorrow.
• Let the child see your feelings. Children need to know that their feeling are real just like others.
• If the child is feeling anger, give them opportunities to express their anger.
For example: painting, making a mess, pounding clay or play dough, making loud noises or hitting a pillow.
• Puppets can help a child express themselves by using the puppet to say things they find it hard to say.
An important part of helping a child process the death of a loved one is to have open communication with the family. Ask them how the person died, what the child experienced (did they witness the death) and what the child has been told about death. It is important that you have an understanding of what the child has experienced and that there is continuity in what the parents and you tell the child.
RESOURCES
The Crisis Manual for Early Childhood Teachers, Karen Miller